So I have started working , and have become very comfortable in the way I act and come across to people, especially my colleagues whom is not very supportive and dont understand me. Now I have to deal with constant ridicule and teasing from people who dont know the first thing about accepting anything different, but also it feels like the pressure is weighing me down, and I have no way of getting back up, but on the bright side I have already undergone a few sessions of laser therapy in order to remove the facial hair, and only have a few more sessions to go.
I am considering telling my parents soon, but I dont have the courage to do so yet, so im hopeful that will be in the near future.
This blog, is about everything I encounter as I make my transition from male to female. It is follows me through my experiences, my struggles and my triumphs. I invite you to accompany me on this journey and maybe you can learn from my experiences.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
MOVING FORWARD
Yesterday, I wrote about my experiences on how I came about to accept myself as I am, as a female. Today I want to focus on how I got to accept myself as transgender.
Even though I had accepted myself as being a female, I had not accepted myself as transgender yet. I certainly did not identify as such, that word was synonymous with drag queens and moffies. I never viewed myself as gay or a drag queen, even though I had those feelings , I new I was a girl and one day, somehow I was going to transform into one.
In my final year at high school, I decided to try being gay, I thought maybe I would be satisfied or forget about becoming a girl, becasue I had just turned 18 and " I was an adult now", and logic told me it was not possible, there was no way of me transforming into a female, whether by magic or any other means, and also because I have never been in a real relationship and I wanted to experience what it felt like.
I finally met a guy 8 years my senior ( we'll call him Gary ), through a dating site, I saw in the classifieds. He was a very sweet and handsome fellow, but at that moment I knew, this was not what I really wanted, it felt more like lust, than a mutual attraction, we chatted and set a date for the Saturday.
Saturday came and I was so anxious, I had mixed feelings of curiosity, fear and lust, we ended up going to his place and spent the afternoon together, I enjoyed it, everything was nice, but I knew now this was not for me, and I felt confused once again.
After finishing high school in 2006, I decided to study marketing, and I had done well, I passed my first few tests with an average of 90%, but my self confidence was so low, I knew I was going to fail the course if I could not present in front of a class of 70 to 80 students (like most people wouldn't be able to), the lecturers encouraged us to see a campus counsellor, to help us through our fears of public speaking. I knew that I would have to open up on my whole life, and I was not going to do that, because I did not want to be judged. I then left school and started working at clothing outlet for the rest of the year.
I proceeded to have a on and off relationship with Gary, until he moved to Port Elizabeth, early in 2007, when we decided to ende the relationship.
In 2008 I went back to school to study Accounting, I done well through out the year, but not to the best of my abilities, by now I had been struggling with this desire for 7 years in secret. I prayed and even tried a few spells again,only out of sheer desperation, until one day when I was so down on my luck, I felt like God owed me something, some kind of miracle. I then told myself, "if nothing happens this year, I will end it all, I will take my life and end my misery".
After trying everything humanly and heavenly possible. Something finally happened, it was like acceptance came over me, I did not fight anymore, I just finally decided to accept the fact that I was one of "those transgendered people". I immediately dived right in, and researched everything about transgenderism, not only did I feel acceptance from myself, but I felt that others saw me differently even though they did not know that I was trans.
I still have not revealed my secret to my family, but I plan to do so soon. That is my 2011 resolution. I still battle some days, but I know myself now and have never been so happy.
Im planning on seeing a therapist in this month and start hormones as soon as possile.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I hope you have found some inspiration.
Love Melanie
Even though I had accepted myself as being a female, I had not accepted myself as transgender yet. I certainly did not identify as such, that word was synonymous with drag queens and moffies. I never viewed myself as gay or a drag queen, even though I had those feelings , I new I was a girl and one day, somehow I was going to transform into one.
In my final year at high school, I decided to try being gay, I thought maybe I would be satisfied or forget about becoming a girl, becasue I had just turned 18 and " I was an adult now", and logic told me it was not possible, there was no way of me transforming into a female, whether by magic or any other means, and also because I have never been in a real relationship and I wanted to experience what it felt like.
I finally met a guy 8 years my senior ( we'll call him Gary ), through a dating site, I saw in the classifieds. He was a very sweet and handsome fellow, but at that moment I knew, this was not what I really wanted, it felt more like lust, than a mutual attraction, we chatted and set a date for the Saturday.
Saturday came and I was so anxious, I had mixed feelings of curiosity, fear and lust, we ended up going to his place and spent the afternoon together, I enjoyed it, everything was nice, but I knew now this was not for me, and I felt confused once again.
After finishing high school in 2006, I decided to study marketing, and I had done well, I passed my first few tests with an average of 90%, but my self confidence was so low, I knew I was going to fail the course if I could not present in front of a class of 70 to 80 students (like most people wouldn't be able to), the lecturers encouraged us to see a campus counsellor, to help us through our fears of public speaking. I knew that I would have to open up on my whole life, and I was not going to do that, because I did not want to be judged. I then left school and started working at clothing outlet for the rest of the year.
I proceeded to have a on and off relationship with Gary, until he moved to Port Elizabeth, early in 2007, when we decided to ende the relationship.
In 2008 I went back to school to study Accounting, I done well through out the year, but not to the best of my abilities, by now I had been struggling with this desire for 7 years in secret. I prayed and even tried a few spells again,only out of sheer desperation, until one day when I was so down on my luck, I felt like God owed me something, some kind of miracle. I then told myself, "if nothing happens this year, I will end it all, I will take my life and end my misery".
After trying everything humanly and heavenly possible. Something finally happened, it was like acceptance came over me, I did not fight anymore, I just finally decided to accept the fact that I was one of "those transgendered people". I immediately dived right in, and researched everything about transgenderism, not only did I feel acceptance from myself, but I felt that others saw me differently even though they did not know that I was trans.
I still have not revealed my secret to my family, but I plan to do so soon. That is my 2011 resolution. I still battle some days, but I know myself now and have never been so happy.
Im planning on seeing a therapist in this month and start hormones as soon as possile.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I hope you have found some inspiration.
Love Melanie
ACCEPTING MELANIE
The year is 2001 and I am in Grade 7, I wasnt very popular or well liked, because I was very feminine, because of this I was always picked on and bullied. I tried to act like a boy, I played with toys that did not intrigue me much and I had male friends, whom I did not have much in common with, besides the fact that all of us were outcasts.
Primary school for me had its ups and downs, but this particular year, meant so much to me and still does. 2001 started out quite normal for me, it was my final year on primary school, and things were changing, I was growing up and this scared me alot, because I did not want to become a "man". My parents was just so proud, so they kept on telling me over and over , I still gag if I think of the changes I went through.
Instead of becoming a man, I chose to become a girl, I chose to stop fighting myself and decided to embrace being different and I liked being myself. It was like something in me changed over night and I became Melanie, a beautiful girl, with long waist length locks, she was tall, fiesty and smart.
After accepting myself, things started getting better, I was still in the closet about my gender identity, but the tremedous strain of fighting myself was lifted and my school work improved.
This feeling didnt last long, as I did not only want to be her mentally, but physically as well.
I remember watching an episode of Charmed, in this episode one of the witches, named Prue Halliwell was turned into a man by a demon, and as usual, good triumphed over evil, the sisters vanguished the demon and turned Prue back into a woman.
After watching the show, I immediately started saying a few spells, and brewed a few potions ( I was a very gullible 13 year old).
The year is 2002, and I finally started high school, I knew right on that it was going to be a very tough year. I was still practicing magic, up until one Sunday evening in June, when my brother outed me to my parents, on a letter he found, intended for my cousin, but never delivered, explaining my feeling of being a girl trapped in a boys body and that I was going to use magic to get what I want.
My father, who was the pastor of our church, decided it would be the right thing, to expose my letter to the church and have the elder and deacon pray for me. The act itself didnt upset me, because I knew it came from a sincere place, and they only wanted the best for me, what really angered me, was the fact that magic did not help me and nobody could see how much I needed to be Melanie. I stopped practising magic, but still continued watching Charmed and it is still my favourite show.
Primary school for me had its ups and downs, but this particular year, meant so much to me and still does. 2001 started out quite normal for me, it was my final year on primary school, and things were changing, I was growing up and this scared me alot, because I did not want to become a "man". My parents was just so proud, so they kept on telling me over and over , I still gag if I think of the changes I went through.
Instead of becoming a man, I chose to become a girl, I chose to stop fighting myself and decided to embrace being different and I liked being myself. It was like something in me changed over night and I became Melanie, a beautiful girl, with long waist length locks, she was tall, fiesty and smart.
After accepting myself, things started getting better, I was still in the closet about my gender identity, but the tremedous strain of fighting myself was lifted and my school work improved.
This feeling didnt last long, as I did not only want to be her mentally, but physically as well.
I remember watching an episode of Charmed, in this episode one of the witches, named Prue Halliwell was turned into a man by a demon, and as usual, good triumphed over evil, the sisters vanguished the demon and turned Prue back into a woman.
After watching the show, I immediately started saying a few spells, and brewed a few potions ( I was a very gullible 13 year old).
The year is 2002, and I finally started high school, I knew right on that it was going to be a very tough year. I was still practicing magic, up until one Sunday evening in June, when my brother outed me to my parents, on a letter he found, intended for my cousin, but never delivered, explaining my feeling of being a girl trapped in a boys body and that I was going to use magic to get what I want.
My father, who was the pastor of our church, decided it would be the right thing, to expose my letter to the church and have the elder and deacon pray for me. The act itself didnt upset me, because I knew it came from a sincere place, and they only wanted the best for me, what really angered me, was the fact that magic did not help me and nobody could see how much I needed to be Melanie. I stopped practising magic, but still continued watching Charmed and it is still my favourite show.
JUST BEING ME
Hi everyone, WELCOME to my very first blog and I hope you will learn from my story and may it hepl you in some way.
I just want you all to understand how I got to where I am today, so we will just take journey back in time.
My name is Melanie, although I am legally Nathan, yes I am transgendered. This was not a path I willingly chose and believe me, I fought it tooth and nail. I was born in 1988, Cape Town South Africa, I am the middle child and I two brothers. I am currently living with my family, since I am studying accounting, we are quite a huge family, because my grandmother and cousin are living with us as well, so I never really have privacy, which sucks. My father is the pastor of our church and being trans, I have alot on my plate and I know this will not be taken likely by the church or our community in general.
I have always been feminine, I played with my cousins dolls and when we played "house", I would rather play the mommy, than the daddy. These feelings came naturally to me, and never really felt embarassed. At first my parents did not say much about my behaviour or maybe they were just talking amongst themselves, they bought me cars, guns and action figures, etc, but those toys never interested me much.
I soon realised a boy was not to wear female clothing or act feminine, just by witnessing the way others who acted and dressed this way were treated, and you did not want to be part of that group.
I never associated myself with them because I didnt dress like that, and I did not want to be ridiculed, but I still felt bad for those people and especially since I wanted to be a girl so badly.
We always watched the soap opera "Beverley Hills 90210", which was very popular in the mid 90s, everyone of us at home would watch, my favourite character from the show was Brenda. As soon as the show ended my cousin (Shennelle) and I would act out scenes from the show, Iwould play Brenda and she would play Kelly. I never felt more happy than, when I had that stocking on my head( this would be my hair).
One day, during the school holidays, Shennelle and I were playing Beverley Hills again, and unexpectedly my eldest brother burst through my room door, he was livid when he saw me all dressed up in womens clothing. He was so angry with me, he kept on asking me if I wanted to be a moffie ( derogatory word for gay people in Afrikaans) and he proceeded to dress me in one of my cousins pantys, and of course I was fighting and saying " no, I dont want to wear that panty and I dont want to be a moffie.
I changed immediately, I never played with dolls again, even though I seriously wanted to, sinc that moment our relationship changed immediately, and I could never trust him again, even though he never told our parents.
At the age of 10, I was in grade 4 and was trying to go with everyone, trying to do "male" sports, like soccer, rugby,cricket etc, and I sucked at all of it. I hoped everyday that I might somehow turn into a girl, I often imagined myself like a beautiful light skinned girl, with long waist length locks.
By the time I reached 12 years, I was in grade 6 and I was heavily depressed, as things at school was going down hill and this constant battle with myself was affecting my school work but I just could not bring myself to confide in anyone, I felt so alone and missunderstood, I felt like the world and God was against me.
Looking back to those years, I realise how little information, we had. If only I had someone to give me a solution back then, I could have saved myself such alot of mysery, that is the reason why im writing this blog, too help someone find the courage to make the right decision for him or herself and to make this decision based on all the information available today.
Love Melanie
I just want you all to understand how I got to where I am today, so we will just take journey back in time.
My name is Melanie, although I am legally Nathan, yes I am transgendered. This was not a path I willingly chose and believe me, I fought it tooth and nail. I was born in 1988, Cape Town South Africa, I am the middle child and I two brothers. I am currently living with my family, since I am studying accounting, we are quite a huge family, because my grandmother and cousin are living with us as well, so I never really have privacy, which sucks. My father is the pastor of our church and being trans, I have alot on my plate and I know this will not be taken likely by the church or our community in general.
I have always been feminine, I played with my cousins dolls and when we played "house", I would rather play the mommy, than the daddy. These feelings came naturally to me, and never really felt embarassed. At first my parents did not say much about my behaviour or maybe they were just talking amongst themselves, they bought me cars, guns and action figures, etc, but those toys never interested me much.
I soon realised a boy was not to wear female clothing or act feminine, just by witnessing the way others who acted and dressed this way were treated, and you did not want to be part of that group.
I never associated myself with them because I didnt dress like that, and I did not want to be ridiculed, but I still felt bad for those people and especially since I wanted to be a girl so badly.
We always watched the soap opera "Beverley Hills 90210", which was very popular in the mid 90s, everyone of us at home would watch, my favourite character from the show was Brenda. As soon as the show ended my cousin (Shennelle) and I would act out scenes from the show, Iwould play Brenda and she would play Kelly. I never felt more happy than, when I had that stocking on my head( this would be my hair).
One day, during the school holidays, Shennelle and I were playing Beverley Hills again, and unexpectedly my eldest brother burst through my room door, he was livid when he saw me all dressed up in womens clothing. He was so angry with me, he kept on asking me if I wanted to be a moffie ( derogatory word for gay people in Afrikaans) and he proceeded to dress me in one of my cousins pantys, and of course I was fighting and saying " no, I dont want to wear that panty and I dont want to be a moffie.
I changed immediately, I never played with dolls again, even though I seriously wanted to, sinc that moment our relationship changed immediately, and I could never trust him again, even though he never told our parents.
At the age of 10, I was in grade 4 and was trying to go with everyone, trying to do "male" sports, like soccer, rugby,cricket etc, and I sucked at all of it. I hoped everyday that I might somehow turn into a girl, I often imagined myself like a beautiful light skinned girl, with long waist length locks.
By the time I reached 12 years, I was in grade 6 and I was heavily depressed, as things at school was going down hill and this constant battle with myself was affecting my school work but I just could not bring myself to confide in anyone, I felt so alone and missunderstood, I felt like the world and God was against me.
Looking back to those years, I realise how little information, we had. If only I had someone to give me a solution back then, I could have saved myself such alot of mysery, that is the reason why im writing this blog, too help someone find the courage to make the right decision for him or herself and to make this decision based on all the information available today.
Love Melanie
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