JUST BEING ME

Hi everyone, WELCOME to my very first blog and I hope you will learn from my story and may it hepl you in some way.
I just want you all to understand how I got to where I am today, so we will just take journey back in time.
 My name is Melanie, although I am legally Nathan, yes I am transgendered. This was not a path I willingly chose and believe me, I fought it tooth and nail. I was born in 1988, Cape Town South Africa, I am the middle child and I two brothers. I am currently living with my family, since I am studying accounting, we are quite a huge family, because my grandmother and cousin are living with us as well, so I never really have privacy, which sucks. My father is the pastor of our church and being trans, I have alot on my plate and I know this will not be taken likely by the church or our community in general.

I have always been feminine, I played with my cousins dolls and when we played "house", I would rather play the mommy, than the daddy. These feelings came naturally to me, and never really felt embarassed. At first my parents did not say much about my behaviour or maybe they were just talking amongst themselves, they bought me cars, guns and action figures, etc, but those toys never interested me much.
I soon realised a boy was not to wear female clothing or act feminine, just by witnessing the way others who acted and dressed this way were treated, and you did not want to be part of that group.
I never associated myself with them because I didnt dress like that, and I did not want to be ridiculed, but I still felt bad for those people and especially since I wanted to be a girl so badly.

We always watched the soap opera "Beverley Hills 90210", which was very popular in the mid 90s, everyone of us at home would watch, my favourite character from the show was Brenda. As soon as the show ended my cousin (Shennelle) and I would act out scenes from the show, Iwould play Brenda and she would play Kelly. I never felt more happy than, when I had that stocking on my head( this would be my hair).
One day, during the school holidays, Shennelle and I were playing Beverley Hills again, and unexpectedly my eldest brother burst through my room door, he was livid when he saw me all dressed up in womens clothing. He was so angry with me, he kept on asking me if I wanted to be a moffie ( derogatory word for gay people in Afrikaans) and he proceeded to dress me in one of my cousins pantys, and of course I was fighting and saying " no, I dont want to wear that panty and I dont want to be a moffie.
I changed immediately, I never played with dolls again, even though I seriously wanted to, sinc that moment our relationship changed immediately, and I could never trust him again, even though he never told our parents.

At the age of 10, I was in grade 4 and was trying to go with everyone, trying to do "male" sports, like soccer, rugby,cricket etc, and I sucked at all of it. I hoped everyday that I might somehow turn into a girl, I often imagined myself like a beautiful light skinned girl, with long waist length locks.
By the time I reached 12 years, I was in grade 6 and I was heavily depressed, as things at school was going down hill and this constant battle with myself was affecting my school work but I just could not bring myself to confide in anyone, I felt so alone and missunderstood, I felt like the world and God was against me.

Looking back to those years, I realise how little information, we had. If only I had someone to give me a solution back then, I could have saved myself such alot of mysery, that is the reason why im writing this blog, too help someone find the courage to make the right decision for him or herself and to make this decision based on all the information available today.

Love Melanie