MOVING FORWARD

Yesterday, I wrote about my experiences on how I came about to accept myself as I am, as a female. Today I want to focus on how I got to accept myself as transgender.

Even though I had accepted myself as being a female, I had not accepted myself as transgender yet. I certainly did not identify as such, that word was synonymous with drag queens and moffies. I never viewed myself as gay or a drag queen, even though I had those feelings , I new I was a girl and one day, somehow I was going to transform into one.
In my final year at high school, I decided to try being gay, I thought maybe I would be satisfied or forget about becoming a girl, becasue I had just turned 18 and " I was an adult now", and logic told me it was not possible, there was no way of me transforming into a female, whether by magic or any other means, and also because I have never been in a real relationship and I wanted to experience what it felt like.
I finally met a guy 8 years my senior ( we'll call him Gary ), through a dating site, I saw in the classifieds. He was a very sweet and handsome fellow, but at that moment I knew, this was not what I really wanted, it felt more like lust, than a mutual attraction, we chatted and set a date for the Saturday.
Saturday came and I was so anxious, I had mixed feelings of curiosity, fear and lust, we ended up going to his place and spent the afternoon together, I enjoyed it, everything was nice, but I knew now this was not for me, and I felt confused once again.

After finishing high school in 2006, I decided to study marketing, and I had done well, I passed my first few tests with an average of 90%, but my self confidence was so low, I knew I was going to fail the course if I could not present in front of a class of 70 to 80 students (like most people wouldn't be able to), the lecturers encouraged us to see a campus counsellor, to help us through our fears of public speaking. I knew that I would have to open up on my whole life, and I was not going to do that, because I did not want to be judged. I then left school and started working at clothing outlet for the rest of the year.
I proceeded to have a on and off relationship with Gary, until he moved to Port Elizabeth, early in 2007, when we decided to ende the relationship.

In 2008 I went back to school to study Accounting, I done well through out the year, but not to the best of my abilities, by now I had been struggling with this desire for 7 years in secret. I prayed and even tried a few spells again,only out of sheer desperation, until one day when I was so down on my luck, I felt like God owed me something, some kind of miracle. I then told myself, "if nothing happens this year, I will end it all, I will take my life and end my misery".
After trying everything humanly and heavenly possible. Something finally happened, it was like acceptance came over me, I did not fight anymore, I just finally decided to accept the fact that I was one of "those transgendered people". I immediately dived right in, and researched everything about transgenderism, not only did I feel acceptance from myself, but I felt that others saw me differently even though they did not know that I was trans.

I still have not revealed my secret to my family, but I plan to do so soon. That is my 2011 resolution. I still battle some days, but I know myself now and have never been so happy. 
Im planning on seeing a therapist in this month and start hormones as soon as possile.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I hope you have found some inspiration.

Love Melanie